So I've just finished watching another video update of a fellow transitioner and it has really made me aware that this journey and the transition process which involves the contexts of 'gender' and 'identity' can be so very different for each person. I'm listening to people discuss how they loathe certain parts of their body and that they are happy and feeling victorious that their masculinity is killing their femininity (gulp!) and to be honest I find hearing that to be quite disconcerting and saddening.
It's prompted me to want to say that I love my body...I mean like most people in life I look it and think "hmm it'd be great if there was a little less of this here" or "a little more of that there", or "come on six pack form already!" or "I wish that pimple would hurry up and go away" etc, but I honestly love and am grateful that I have a body that works, is mobile, healthy and can feel all of life's sensations (pleasant & unpleasant). And mostly that I have the opportunity to live a physical existence at all. (clearly mother dieing slow death of cancer can heighten this appreciation of life)
A new clarity I have this evening is that I love my femininity and I have enjoyed expressing it over the past number of years and at the same time, like a supportive parent who can look at a child's homework and perhaps see a wrong answer that could be corrected, I have a sense that there has been a tapping on my shoulder over the past two years especially saying "come on, how about you look at this masculine question a for a bit longer and explore the freedom that exists if you give yourself permission to open into it and live it to it's fullest expression". With this deep intention seeded, it's remarkable to experience and observe the way in which female elements of my body can shift in ways that the human eye can see and proclaim as more masculine.
To use the metaphor of colours, if we say yellow is feminine and blue is masculine, my existence thus far has been expressed as a pale green and at the moment, the artist is delicately adding to this yellow a streak of blue to transform it into gradual richer shades of green.
Or if we transform this into coffee...the coffee is brewing (aka living) daily and both smells and tastes great AND now it's even added a new delectable element of chocolate which makes it a mocha...none better or worse, just an addition of variety and difference.
Perhaps this is also why I don't feel this to be a disorder or dysphoria.
Hmmm ... this is all tonight...thank you for reading!
Yours in clarity and discovery
Much love x