The topic of death is an interesting one for me, particularly at present through this transformation, but also has been for as long as I can remember. I've experienced death a lot in this lifetime, funeral tally is well up on marriages and births. I saw my grandpa's dead body at the age of 4 (an image that doesn't leave me), I've first hand witnessed how cancer breaks down the body and mind over a 10 year period with my mum (an experience that will never leave me and still to this day breaks my heart)...there's something unexplainable about witnessing the person that brought you into this world return to the innocence of a child at the age of 50 barely able to talk or walk, and then finding yourself in the role of mum and translator between her and anyone else in the world because there is instinctual love connection beyond words where you just know what she needs and what she's saying before the words mutter out. I am who I am and where I am at today because of this life changing experience.
I've experienced the shock death of the closest friend in the world, one day flying high and the next day on life support after eating some disagreeable food. The list goes on, other aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends children - cancer, strokes, heart attacks ... the constant to me is this, it's happening in every moment, all races/genders/ages/sexual orientations; it doesn't discriminate or rally for law passing to do what it does - it's just here and seldom to we actually discuss it...I mean really discuss it.
It somewhat hit me today that this topic needs to brought into this blog space. Reason being my experience one year into this fairly dramatic physical body transformation, the biggest fear I've heard echoed back to me from all the dear friends and followers keeping up with me is this;
The fear that somehow Anna (who a lot of people loved and found inspiration and comfort from) was dieing and something new ... a somewhat 'tba' ... was in creation. People are curious to meet up in person and connect to get some sense of knowing that it's all ok because I'm still here. My response today (which cud change as of tomorrow) is as follows:
Yes there are definite traits and appearances and an essence of Anna that has and is continuing to leave / fall away and there are others that are crystal clear here as they always have been. I'm certainly not controlling any of this and can only relate today to using the example of a caterpillar / butterfly transformation in that it itself does not know exactly how or what is transforming until it has done so.
This is the definition of death that I have come to know and I share this because death and 'resistance there of' (an ingrained survival trait) is a huge part of us all, without us always knowing, it is what's driving needs and desires and is in fact what creates most industries globally when u strip it down.
And look certainly easier said than done (as its painful), but the more we come to know and experience levels of death within us, (which by the by is happening to us in every moment, body cells and dieing and regenerating without us knowing all the time anyway), the more peace and comfort that is available. It's funny the only thing that we as humans are actually doing is resisting what is happening every moment anyway. The more conscious one becomes of this the more interesting the experience gets and I can say today that as much fighting and resisting is here still with me, the dieing is still happening all the time...and today I'm having a bit of a chuckle about it because I can experientially say that feeling of existence we all have within us (beyond the senses of the body system) is always going to be here as what we really are whether our body is changing or even dieing. So it's kinda true how all the fuddy duddy masters and spiritual teachers say how it's all just an illusion, we're all here always, we never go anywhere, we just change form and then form falls away from us.
For me right now, feeling grief fully is much less pleasant than actually experiencing the death of Anna, hands down, that just plain out sucks and doesn't seem to ever fully go away, it's just that the love for the person grows huger over time as does the longing. So I think eventually when we all get to our physical form death we'll find it a piece of cake over experiencing the loss of those we love.