This is possibly the most challenging and simply stupid post I've ever written. What I mean by this is I actually am on very new levels seeming to become more male by the day in ways I'm not aware of until it slaps me across the face with a wet fish. More to the point, I'm experiencing a big realisation that I'm no longer the person I used to be (like us all really!), which I think still in some ways I've been doing my darnedest to hold onto.
It's that idea of wanting to keep the good bits I liked of Anna as part of the package of the newer present day me, which for all purposes feels like a real 'fakeness' (a very strange paradox of truth and falseness that I am failing to express through words).
I am learning again on an entire new level that certain behaviors we do in life really are just so "male" or just so "female". I see so many conflicts between people in life which at the end of the day I now REALLY get is just a different brain pattern function that is just not the same as our individual self. I still stay true to the idea of "different hormone, different operating system" (PC vs MAC yet both can connect to each other on a daily basis!). And now experientially understanding this, I can see how this simple truth can be the friction of so much in life; in the home, workplace, and everywhere in between.
Getting to my point, the biggest thing I have done of late that I have NEVER done ever before - bare with me, it may at first read sound pointless (aka...like "yeh so what?" but read it again & hopefully it'll transmute).
I've been sleeping in the same bed with the same sheets (washed regularly just FYI) for over eight months and a few weeks ago, I washed them again and just completely forgot I'd washed them and that they'd ever been on the bed, and just started sleeping with a doona that had no cover. I'd totally forgotten that I even had a cover on the bed until my flat mate returned home from holidays and found these muddy covers on the clothes line, saying "are these the ones that used to be on your bed?" ... my response "yes and until this moment I had entirely forgotten they'd even existed".
It is the most absent minded thing I've EVER done and let's just say I remember the gifts I used to get as a three year old ... just bizarre. I've since been told this is just SO male! Okay?! But like really, I had no idea I'd done that, so am I to blame?! Do you know what I mean?!
It's given me an ENTIRE new appreciation to things like how the guy forgets a certain thing from the supermarket even though he was just 'instructed', forgets a conversation, forgets to take the bins out, or god forbid just forgets an important date like an anniversary (GULP! I may actually do this in the future, dear god!) ... truly it's just like a blank out of time, and not at all intentional! In the past this was just not my reality - efficiency was just instinct!
Anyway this is all, I'll be sure to document more of these random male encounters and do my best to come up with un-express able explanations!
Love as always x